Soulmates/Perfect Loves Tips
Read these 17 Soulmates/Perfect Loves Tips tips to make your life smarter, better, faster and wiser. Each tip is approved by our Editors and created by expert writers so great we call them Gurus. LifeTips is the place to go when you need to know about Relationship tips and hundreds of other topics.
Love isn't an adjective, it's a verb!
Love is more than passion and an ecstatic "I love you too." Love means more than sharing a cup of coffee, a toothbrush or exchanging e-mail. Love means "show me." Love means much more than just words. Love means reaching for her hand in the supermarket between the honeydew melons and the tangerines. Love is a verb, an action word. Action means doing, saying, and moving.
We want to hear the words "I love you," yes, but more than that, we want to feel the truth of those words. We know the truth of our partner's love when we see it acted out every day, in small ways, and large ones.
Comfortable and Trustable
Sometimes people expect soulmates to hit them like lightning out of the blue. They go on looking, while the perfect partner is there with them every day, listening to them, being available, being fully trusting.
A soulmate is first and foremost a best friend. If you have a best friend that is available for more, have you thought about him or her? It might be time to realize that those traits that make your friend so perfect are the same traits a soulmate would share.
Soulmates
A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.
The "L" Word
Love is a heavy word. In a romantic relationship, it implies a deep level of intimacy and caring.
Love is a verb. Saying "I love you" in words is important for many people -- some of us can never hear it enough -- but saying it in actions is even better. Here are some ways to say "I love you."
-- Behaving politely to your partner's friends and family.
-- Celebrating your partner's achievements, whether that means attending his work parties or throwing a big bash when she gets her plumbing license.
-- Offering emotional or practical support during rough times.
-- Sharing your expertise to make your partner's life better (changing the oil in his car, rewriting her resume).
-- Small gifts that show consideration for your partner's unique tastes and personality (for instance, remembering that she would rather have daffodils than roses, or keeping his favorite coffee on your shelf).
Soulmates take work
Soulmates are not a pair of people who magically work together in peace and harmony without ever running over rough ground. Every relationship has its rough moments, and the key to 'soulmates' is how the couple learns to *deal with* and surmount these difficulties. Non-soulmates drive each other away when they fight, and don't learn from the arguments. Soulmates figure out what the triggers are, learn to anticipate each other's needs, and as their relationship matures, get to the point where each really understands the other.
Two individuals in a couple are *indivduals*, and each person grows at a different rate and in different directions. You want to encourage each other to grow, appreciate how your growth helps you both become better people, and your relationship better because of it.
Soulmates are not 'found' - no person can completely know another person when they first meet. You may *think* you know each other fully, but a lot of that is what you think is true about the other, and not actual fact. Soulmates are *built* over a lifetime of love and experience with each other.
One key is to believe in yourself, to believe in your partner, and to believe in the relationship. If you are always considering these three items when making decisions, and are secure that your partner is as well, then you're on your way!
Absence of Conflict
Many people feel that soulmates would never fight, so they avoid conflict so that they can keep up the ideal relationship. Real relationships have discussions and arguments, but they take place reasonably so that both partners end up with what they want. If you are always avoiding or dodging fights, the result is not a good relationship. When a real issue arises, neither partner will know how to deal with the conflict.
Expect that there will be some discussion, and look through the argument tips to learn how to work through them rationally and reasonably. You'll find that your skills with these minor disagreements will serve you well in the long term.
Knowing Yourself
People who talk about soulmates often talk about someone who will instantly know them inside and out. However, many of these people do not yet understand themselves. If you wish to have someone who can be that close to you, make sure you have taken time to really explore what makes you *you*. Know yourself, care for yourself, love yourself. You need to be confident, secure, and content with what you are before you can ask someone to accept all that you are, and before you will be truly ready to accept all that he or she is.
Your Core Values
People change over the years, some hobbies come and go, and if you choose a soulmate based on something fleeting, it will depart at some point, leaving behind ... what?
Figure out what is most important to you. If it's staying active, as long as you and your partner both share that, you'll do well. If your partner only likes rock climbing, and refuses to do anything else, what happens when rock climbing years are over? An ability to change and an open mind might be the most important quality in your soulmate.
Understand your own Weaknesses
Most people have built in weaknesses when it comes to seeking partners. It might be that you're drawn to the 'wild boy' that you hope to tame, or that you're attracted to the 'flirtatious girl' that you'll be the one she finally settles down with.
If your aim is to have a soulmate, don't go into a relationship trying to change your partner. You want to find someone who *is* great for you, not someone who *will* be great for you once you convince him/her to change a lot. Make a list of the qualities your soulmate will have, and make sure those are what you're paying attention to.
Do Things you Enjoy
Part of what makes someone just right for you is that you can be with them while you do the things you love. If you start out your hunt by doing those things you love - whether it's skiing, birdwatching, canoing, or anything else - you'll naturally run into people who enjoy those same hobbies. Some portion of them will be single, and a few of those might be just what you are looking for!
Unless your hobby is drinking, a bar isn't the best spot to begin. Start with where you'd like to end up!
Don't Jump the Gun
In the search for a soulmate, you have so many expectations that it's easy sometimes to look at someone and say, "Hey, she looks just like I imagined she would! She must be the one!"
Looks are only ONE part (and a small part) of what makes a person a unique individual. You might get some small sense of what she is by her looks, but what she is truly like inside is far more important. Take time to know your date, to spend weeks with him/her, to get past your imagination and fantasy and into what is real. It's that reality that makes a soulmate.
Examine your Expectations
Many people have very explicit mental images when it comes to a soulmate. They must look like YYY, have X hair, Y eyes, a Z smile. These mental images probably came from someone seen on TV or a movie, or a mental image formed from someone in your life. I've seen many people date a person because they looked a lot like another person in their life - often without realizing it.
Really examine your perfect mate's image. Is it because they will always remind you of someone else? Is that fair, to constantly compare this real life person with someone else, perhaps someone that they can never meet? Instead, focus on the *qualities* of your ideal partner, and work towards that. Looks change, but qualities of personality are more permanent.
Keep your Eyes Open
A soulmate really isn't about physical appearance. People change as they age, so what someone looks like at 20 won't be what they look like at 40! It's what they are really like inside, the part that will be steady and there for you no matter how long you're together.
Sit down with a notebook and make a list of the qualities that are really important to you. Should he love Japanese food? Should she enjoy mountain biking? Look past that outer shell of the people you meet, and see if inside they are really what you are looking for in a partner. You might be surprised how close your soulmate really is already.
Prince Charming
Between movies and books, people build up ideal mates in their minds that are shiny in every way. They look great, share common interests, are pleasant and loving, and in essence bear little resemblance to most humans :)
Find a way to separate the fantasy from reality. An automaton that always agreed with you perfectly and served you would not be an equal parter - it would be a slave. The rewards and growth you achieve with a real partner is far greater than the slide-through-life fantasy would could ever be. Learn to appreciate the individuality of your partner, even if it's not always princely smooth.
Be Available
It's no good complaining about not finding a soulmate if you only go out with the same group of friends all the time, or stay at home watching TV. Your soulmate can't see through walls to find you! Make sure you're out in places where your soulmate has a chance of finding you, and doing things your soulmate would realize are important to him/her.
Fantasy and Reality
We get a lot of our ideas about love from movies and novels. When we watch the western hero shooting 200 bad guys in one minute, we say, "It's just a movie." When we see a perfect love scene, though, we say, "Why don't I have that?"
Movies are constructed to be perfect. Real life isn't quite like that. Figure out what traits are really important to you in a partner, and focus on those. You'll probably be able to find them!
Don't Knock Personal Ads!
Some people expect their soulmate to just 'appear' magically. While this might happen in fairy tales, in real life you need to give your soulmate a chance of finding you. If you phrase your ad just right, you may come across lovers of towhees or Bronte or Pinot Grigio, or whatever is key to your happiness.
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| Barbara Gibson |
