August 8, 2003, Newsletter Issue #81: What Happened to Our Sex Life?

Tip of the Week

What happens to a couple`s sex life after they get married (or become fully committed to each other)?

A disturbing trend that is happening today is that it is the man who is turning down sex more often. Why is that? Recent studies have shown that an alarming percentage of men are not asking for sex and are turning down sexual opportunities from their mate more and more. Those same studies reach the same conclusion as to why.

Mainly, the problem is fatigue.

It`s not just that we are tired--we are exhausted. Larger workloads at the office, fewer personnel to assist, an economy that requires more work for more pay to keep a set standard of living and social and geo-political pressures are the main causes. Lack of good, restful sleep is the result of these stresses. This lack of good sleep over time leads to exhaustion. Erectile dysfunction is a common problem that stems from exhaustion. Ladies, the desire is there, but the will is not.

For women, the problems also stem from stress and exhaustion. Women, however, do have a higher tolerance for stress, so the symptoms may not appear until they have endured much more than men.

Of course, there could be serious underlying problems in the relationship that leads to lack of sex. If that is the case, you probably already know it. Seek counseling together to resolve any hidden issues.

But if that is not the case, what is a couple to do?

First, let go. Work is work and home is home. Talk over your day with your significant other. Let the stresses come out. Guys, I know that this is contrary to what many of you grew up with and many of you don`t know how to "talk" with your mate.

Learn to.

It`s not hard. Yes, you will have to open up and discuss feeling and emotions (gasp), but hiding stress from your mate will lead to nothing but more stress for you (and them).

Second, make time. If you have to schedule your sexual rendezvous, then do it. Get a calendar, sit down together and make a sex schedule. Commit to follow the schedule and to be there for each other. Make sure you have a place for the kids to go, or get a baby sitter and go to a motel. It may sound weird and non-spontaneous, but in the beginning, it can help put some structure in your personal life and force you to make the time you should have been making from the beginning.

Third, make love. Take your time. Explore each other. Try new things. Use new toys. Even in the heat of passion, you can still be focused on each other. Talk about what makes you excited--what methods, motions, and touches really excite you. Tell each other how much you love one another--before, during and after the sex. If you can make the act more than the act itself, it will be rewarding to you on many levels and you will seek out that reward.

Fourth, have sex. Occasionally, just have sex. Just raw, in-your-face, hot sex. Don`t plan it, just do it. Once in the mood, it is hard to get out of. Accept your partner`s overtures to sex, even if you don`t feel like it right then. They will appreciate the fact that their advances are working. They will feel more empowered as a male or female and that they are still attractive to you.

Fifth, rule out medical problems. If there are medical problems that are causing erectile dysfunction or vaginal pain during sex, then find out what the problem is and fix it.

Sixth, don`t get bogged down too much in why you aren`t having sex. Long, tedious discussions about why there is no sex or accusing your partner of an affair or not being attracted to you is damaging. Discussions should be relatively short. There is a lot of psychology behind sex. The smallest doubt can grow and cause you to feel unattractive or make you feel like you do not perform well. Those feelings quickly lead to sexual dysfunction. The dysfunction will cause more feelings of inadequacy and the cycle continues. Seek professional help if this is the case.

A little more on this...Our society places so much emphasis on the young, the fit and the extremely good-looking people that it is difficult for most of us to even begin to live up to any of those expectations. If we, as ordinary average people, try to be what we are not, or have partners who try to make us what we are not, we are doomed to feelings of inadequacy. If there are areas in your life you wish to improve, then do so--but do so realistically.

Sex is about the bond between two people. Of course, sex is also about procreation. But for most of us, the act of sex is the ultimate expression of love that we have for our partner. You cannot get closer to another human being than to engage in sex. Beyond that, we share something with our sexual partners. We are at our most vulnerable when we have sex. We are naked (most of the time) and unable to defend ourselves. We allow our partner to see those things that makeup, clothing and hair gel hide most of the day. It can be overwhelming at times.

But more important that all that is the emotional and physical rush we receive during all parts of the sexual act, from beginning to end. It is an important part of any serious, committed relationship and needs to be given the respect it deserves. Your relationship deserves a healthy sexual life. If it is lacking in that area, find out why and do what is needed to fix it.

Until next time,

Good Love and Happy Relationships

Jay and Deb
Relationship Gurus at LifeTips.com

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