Domestic Violence Awareness Month

This entry was written on Oct 09, 2008 by our Relationship Guru Barbara Gibson

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Here are some fast facts on DV.

At least 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.

Domestic violence impacts every segment of the community. There are no exceptions. People from all walks of life, regardless of income, age, ability, educational attainment, race, class, religion or sexual orientation can and do experience or perpetrate domestic violence.

There is help for survivors. Most states and counties have local or regional domestic violence hotlines. Many are available 24 hours daily. Learn more at ncadv.org.

There is also help for abusers that are willing to accept responsibility for the choice to use violence. Men Stopping Violence (menstoppingviolence.org) is a good resource.

No one deserves to be abused. Bad days and too much alcohol are only excuses for bad behavior.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship

The process of leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and dangerous. Safety is the primary concern. Even if you do not think your partner poses a risk, leaving often triggers an increase in violence. It is best to prepare as much as you can ahead of time.

Ask a friend or family member to keep items you gather to take with you. Make sure the person you choose will not tell your abuser about your plans to leave. Do not take anything that will be noticed as missing.

Things to Stash Away:

• Money
• Contact information for a local domestic violence shelter
• Prescribed medications
• Legal documents for you and your children (e.g. birth certificates, social security cards)
• Photographs or written evidence of the abuse
• Financial records and account numbers
• Personal belongings possessing sentimental value
• Clothing and personal needs

• A plan that safely removes yourself and you children from the home
• Transportation for yourself, children and belongings
• A safe place to stay
• How to manage being gone from home for an extended time
• Referral to a lawyer or legal advocate to obtain a personal protection order, temporary child custody order, etc.

Leaving an Abusive Relationship with Children

This entry was written on Oct 07, 2008 by our Relationship Guru Barbara Gibson

Leaving an abusive relationship is often a process that feels like a journey rather than a short trip. The challenges of leaving can feel even more daunting when you are leaving with children. Use the following tips to create a little comfort along the road to safety.

1. Whether you are going to a safehouse, staying with friends or family, try as best you can to maintain your regular routine. Children should still be expected to go to school (even if that means transferring for safety reasons), do homework and chores, stick to bed time, etc.

2. If it is safe get some familiar things to take with you. Favorite storybooks, toys, CD's, sweatshirts and the like can be a great comfort in strange, new surroundings.

3. Give age appropriate explanations for why you are leaving home. Young children, especially, may ask many times to go home. Let your child know you understand how she feels. Allow him to talk about what he misses.

4. Some children may not talk about their feelings. Help them understand what they are experiencing by using reflective listening - "it sounds like you're saying...," "it sounds like you feel..."

5. Communicate as much as you are comfortable sharing with teachers and other caregivers.

6. Take good care of yourself. When your emotional resources are low it can be tough to be the kind of parent you really to be.

Abusive Personality

There are signs that can help you spot someone with an abusive personality. The earlier you become aware of these red flags, the easier it is to get out of the relationship. Take notice if the person you are involved with displays the following abusive personality traits.

• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Pushes for quick and intense involvement
• Seems too good to be true
• Blames others for actions
• Needs to be in control
• Unrealistic expectations of the relationship
• Easily upset or angered
• Inability to respect partner's boundaries, privacy, need for separate activities or identity
• History of violent behavior

Signs of an Abusive Relationship

Abusive relationships are progressive. They do not begin with physical or sexual violence. Instead, tactics are used to gain control over the victim before hitting, kicking, biting, pushing or unwanted sexual activity is introduced. The following are signs of an abusive relationship.

• Emotional Abuse (name calling, criticizing, “joking” in a demeaning or embarrassing way)
• Intimidation (uses threats, looks or gestures to scare partner; breaking objects)
• Isolation (uses jealousy to control what partner does, who he/she sees, where he/she goes)
• Denies Responsibility (minimizes, denies or blames partner for emotions and behavior
• Uses Children (threatens to harm the children or take them away from the partner
• Financial Control (keeps partner from working or takes paychecks; demands account of all spending)

Signs of an Abusive Personality

Dating should be a fun experience. To make sure you're enjoying yourself, while staying safe, be aware of common signs in people with abusive personalities. If you're using an online dating service, look for these types of traits in possible matches:

• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness
• Pushes for quick and intense involvement
• Seems too good to be true
• Needs to be in control
• Unrealistic expectations of the relationship
• Easily upset or angered

Teen Abusive Relationship

Teen abusive relationships include physical, sexual and verbal abuse. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2000) found that one in 11 high school students said they had been hit, slapped, or physically hurt on purpose by their boyfriend or girlfriend in the past year. Similarly, one in 11 students reported that they had been forced to have sexual intercourse. According to 2000 statistics from the Bureau of Justice, f ar greater numbers of teens (as high as 96 percent) report emotional and psychological abuse in their dating relationships.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your boy/girl friend:

· Acts possessive or jealous

· Slaps, pushes, hits, kicks or threatens you

· Forces you to have sex

· Yells at you

· Makes you feel guilty all the time

· Calls you names or makes you feel stupid

· Forces you to do things you are not comfortable doing

· Uses drugs or alcohol or forces you to use them

· Won’t let you break up with him/her

Signs of an Abusive Personality

Once you are in an abusive relationship, it is difficult to get out. Therefore, recognizing the number one early warning sign of an abusive personality gives you the key to avoiding the whole problem. Someone with an abusive personality always displays an unusual amount of jealousy. Although this may at first seem flattering, the level of possessiveness will accelerate as the relationship progresses.