She Is Not You

One of the key underlying problems in many mother-daughter relationships is that the mother sees the daughter as a "little her" - as someone who she can help avoid certain mistakes, and who can do what she never was able to do.

Try to separate your own feelings from that of your child. Your child is an individual, and may not want to do the things you wanted to do at her age. Sure, she may make the same mistakes, but just as you learned from them, so shall she.

You need to let your daughter grow and live and learn at her own pace, in her own style. Appreciate her for what she is, and don´t try to make her into what you could have been.

Learn their interests

Older people usually have interests that they have set aside because they did not have the time or ability to pursue them. Help them rekindle those interests, taking them to shows, buying them equipment, or helping them enroll in classes. By sharing in their interests, you help validate that they still can learn and grow, and be interesting to others.

Games Night

One night each week, turn off the TV and computer, and hang out in the living room or dining room with a fun game. Let someone different choose each week´s game, and have soda, popcorn, and other snacks around. The game-chooser might get to choose the music too, or you can make those separate items. It´ll get the family talking, and exercise your minds.

Make time for the older child

Older children are often required to make many sacrifices when a new baby comes into the house - the attention given them is far less, the new baby is the focus of visitors interest, they must play quietly at nap time, they must share toys, and so on. This is a huge change for any child, and should be seen as such.

Make sure that visitors think to praise both children - instead of constantly talking about how cute the baby is, for example, they might say how much the baby resembles the older sibling.

Let the older sibling have his own space, and if the baby is always in his area, try to find ways to keep the baby otherwise entertained. Each child deserves his own privacy and time, just as adults do.

Never take them for granted

Although you don´t choose family members, and sometimes you don´t get along, these people are the only people on Earth that know who you REALLY are and still love you anyway. This honest kind of love is the most real, lasting, and valuable.

Remember that the next time you get in a fight and are about to say harsh things to each other. Stop and ask yourself how much saying what you are about to say will hurt the other person. How will it damage your relationship? Is it really worth saying?

Also, always remember important dates, such as birthdays, holidays, and your parents´ anniversary. Celebrating these days will help you to renew the bond between you and your family members and keep it strong.

Friends come and go, but if you treat them well, your family will be there always.

Don´t always jump in

It´s tempting for parents to always jump in to an argument, but this can often reinforce the very fears that began the argument, and deprives the children of working the issue out for themselves.

Often parents will ´protect the weaker´, reinforcing the stronger child´s view that the weaker child is loved more, and giving the weaker child the thought that they can get away with more because they will be rescued. This also prevents the weaker child from building up his own defenses and becoming stronger.

As long as the kids aren´t hurting each other, and are really bothered with what the other has done (and not about some more general situation that is going on), then let the argument run its course. If they are flaring up because of something larger (moving to a new house, for example), sit down and talk with them about the stress, and find ways to make the situation more manageable.

Making time for each

Many parents try to do everything together with their children - take them to the zoo, visit a science museum, read a book on the bed with everyone gathered around. While this family-building is important, it is also *very* important for parents to let a child know they respect and love that child for the individual that he or she is.

Make time to take one child somewhere special. If the child loves dinosaurs, take him or her to a dinosaur museum. If the child loves ballet, go see the Nutcracker. If each child feels loved and appreciated as an individual, then jealous feelings about "why did SHE get to do that?" will be minimized greatly. Each child will see that they are important, in their own way.

The Tooth Fairy

When kids think back on their childhoods, it´s often not the big things that stand out. It´s the little things, like waiting for the tooth fairy, or having you in the stands during his last game. Be there during the small events in his life - they may end up being his strongest memories.

Keep rules fair but not necessarily equal

There is often a tendency with step-households to try to equalize rules completely between the two families. This can often be impossible - the parents are very different individuals, and even the same rules can be interpreted very differently.

Children are very adaptable and have already learned that different rules exist for school, for home, for visiting, etc. As long as each family is consistant with its rules, and understands the rules of the other family, there is no need to make each and every rule match exactly in both places.

Becoming a Man

With all of the mixed messages in society today, it´s hard for a young man to know exactly what is expected of him. Should he join the army? Become a day trader? Sweep his girlfriend off her feet? Expect her to open the door for herself?

Give your son some space to figure out where he fits in, and what he wants to be. Sure, if he wants to go on a navy sub to see the world, this might be different from you wanting him to be a doctor. There´s always time for him to take up medicine later, and the decision making and soul searching he works through will serve him well, no matter what his eventual course in life.

Get to know them

You may have known this relative or parent your entire life, but it´s amazing what you can learn if you really sit down and talk with them. There may be things they never had time to tell you about, or things they felt that you were too young for before. Ask about their first love, their scariest childhood situation, or how they felt when certain world events happened. You might be surprised what you´ll learn.

Grow a Garden

There´s something for everyone in a garden - some like the flowers, others the pumpkins for Halloween, others the carrots and potatoes, and still others the herbs and spices. Find something each person enjoys and set aside small blocks for each individual. Choose easy-to-grow items as well as chosen favorites - that way even if the trickier things don´t sprout, there are still green growing things in each block.

Take Lots of Photos

Many families have lots of pictures when the family begins, and they taper off as life interferes. Grab an inexpensive digital camera and take pictures weekly, showing the things you do and the places you go. You´ll find that looking back through these photos later on will bring back great memories - and relatives will love having the updates mailed to them!

Treat the children as individuals

You may subconsciously be helping sibling rivalry if you ever say things like, "How come you don´t wake up on time? Your brother never has trouble with that." Do not compare the children with each other - each one is a unique individual, with his own strengths and weaknesses. If you compare them, then the children will strengthen their own comparisons, and dislike whatever seems to be unfair in those comparisons. Praise a child based on his own activities and actions - not how he compares with a sibling.

Build Trust

You can´t turn a person from a child into an adult, giving them no trust until 18 (or 21) and then giving them total trust to live on their own. Use the teenage years as a ´guiding´ period, helping your young adult take more responsibility and giving the opportunity to earn trust. When there are setbacks, as there almost always are in any learning experience, start again and work again. The end goal is well worth the effort.

Keeping Family Harmony

Children often introduce a new realm for arguments in a relationship. Couples that get along perfectly often begin to fight when raising children is involved. If you get into an argument, sit down and discuss what is involved. Is it actually what the child did? Or are you upset with how your partner handled the situation? Once you realize what the root of the problem is, you can address it so it doesn´t flare up again.

Offer choices

No adult likes to be forced to do anything, especially not an elder relative. Always offer choices to a person, to let that person exercise their free will. It may seem like a small thing to you, but to your elderly relative it may be a huge morale booster.

Cook breakfast together

Food is an integral part of a family - people gather around a table not only for nourisment but also for the emotional and social bonds. Take advantage of that and get your family interested in a fun breakfast. Let the kids decorate pancakes with chocolate chips, or draw designs in maple syrup on waffles. Let them dye the batter blue or pink. They´ll feel part of the creation process, and you´ll all have some fun.