My new girlfriend returned to her ex, how can I get her back?

I am a 42 year old male and I had gotten out of a long term relationship with a narcissistic woman a few months ago because it became very unhealthy. About a month ago, I met a new girl, age 36, who had also ended a long term relationship a few months prior. Both of us were shaken, upset and a bit depressed from our breakups when we met, but we still hit it off rather well. We related well with each other and would talk for hours and hours when we got together. Neither of us wanted to rush into a rebound relationship, but we became close and began to see each other romantically. While this was ongoing, all was well with both of us and we made each other happy. She had explained why she decided to end her previous relationship and I agreed that all her reasons were valid and that she had made the right decision. During their relationship, he had moved in with her and when they decided to split, he began to move out. He was removing his belongings from her place one carload at a time.

She and I spent Christmas together and it was wonderful, we had a great time. The next day her ex called and made arrangements to pick up the remainder of his belongings the following day. As he was removing the last of his things, he pled with her to come back to him and give their relationship another chance for a couple more months. She agreed and ended up sleeping with him that night. She told me that she was very sorry for hurting me and thought I was a great guy. She said that she knew in her heart that things would not work out with him, and that she might be making a big mistake. She said that she didn't want to face the failure of their relationship, and couldn't bring herself to refuse him when he asked for another chance. She said repeatedly that she just 'didn't know what to do'. She suggested we continue to see each other as friends.

Her relationship with him is seriously flawed and I warned her that it is likely to fail again for the same reasons it had failed the first time, because all those problems were still there. He is 44 years old and until moving in with her, he lived with his mother all his life. Even when they lived together, he would go back and sleep at his mother's house every other night. He said he intended to continue doing that even if they got married. She bought a new home and is struggling with fixing it up (painting, cleaning, etc.). He just sits on the couch and watches TV while she does all the work by herself. His friends are all drug users and alcoholics. He is crass, often yells at her, mistreats her, and she says he 'has a temper'. At his age, he still plays in a heavy metal band.

She is from China, is very delicate and highly educated (PhD in Engineering). She does not tolerate his abrasive behavior well. Her job is extremely demanding and she is very overworked, to the point of doing little more than working, eating and sleeping. When I ask her how things are going, she tells me that she is so busy that she doesn't even have time to fight with him. Sometimes I feel bad to see her so overburdened and I help her with some of her projects in my spare time. She is very grateful for my assistance and tells me it is very helpful to her.

She and I chat online almost every day and she calls me occasionally. We see each other for dinner about once a week. When we are together, we communicate and relate very well. We still talk for hours at a time. I told her that I can not tell her what to do, but I do point out the severe flaws in her relationship and ask her if this is really how she wants to spend the rest of her life. She tells me that she knows it will not work out. She plans to visit her mother in China for a couple of weeks in early March and hopes to have ended things with him by then. She knows that her relationship will not work out, but is having great difficulty in bringing herself to end it.

I really like this woman and I'd like for us to be together. We have a great time together and seem to relate and communicate very well. We share many similar values and interests and seem to be very compatible. I'm trying to decide what is best for me to do. Some friends are telling me to hang in there and be a good friend to her. They say she's bound to eventually come again to the conclusion that they do not belong together, and when this happens, I'll be in a great position to be back with her. Others tell me that my friendship and support may interfere with her realizing that her relationship isn't working. They say that by helping and supporting her, I may be removing the consequences of her bad relationship and setting myself up to be a 'backup boyfriend'. This may encourage her to remain in the bad relationship indefinitely, knowing there's always someone else there waiting for her. My question is: What should I do?

If I were you I would just tell her once more how much you care for her. That she is too smart to be with this guy. What happens is that her emotions are involved with the other person. He has her completely manipulated and she does not realize it. Tell her to read more about co-dependent men or co-dependent relationships in psychological journals. It seems he has good control over her, and it seems that he planed to leave that last batch of things in her apartment to attempt to get her back. I sometimes wonder why smart woman fall for losers. Perhaps you can tell her how much you care for her, and that you want to take your friendship to the next level. Tell her that you like her more than a friend and that you want to be with her, but that she is going to have to say good bye to the other one. That is all you can do. If you really love her you would take some action and fight for her, men are the pursuers. Good luck I hope that she realizes that you are a great guy. If she does not agree to leave the other dude then your friends are right you should move on.

Man you in a tough situation i'm only 19 so theres a good chance you more experience then i do at this, but have you tried winning her over? If i were you id say something like this to her "Listen i want you to know i wish things between me and you would have gone differently and i had took the chance with you when i had it. Your smart, beatiful, funny and you make me feel like i can share anything with you,i feel that when were together the rest of the world and all my thoughts and trouble just melt away in your eyes and it makes me feel...well lets just say the way you make me feel there isn't a word to describe yet and i know your currently in a relationship and i don't want to come on to strong, and i wish there was an easier way to share my feelings with you, but there isn't so i'm winging this from the buttom of my heart hoping some of my feelings reachess yours hoping you consider leaving him and being with me, but truth be told i wish you weren't in a relationship, because that would make things so much easir, for both me and you. anyways i hope you feel the same way about me like i do for you, and i care to much about you to remain just friends so i hope you take these thoughts in to consideration and consider what i just told you, because you deserve better then him. (Then what i do is slowly lean in and gently and slowly kiss her, i don't know how to describe it but it would be a kiss to remember i don't really know how to explain is something that comes naturally to me and if you do it right even if shes going to say no she'll kiss you back, and the fact she kissed you back will stay with her which well greatly improve your chances, by the way when you kiss her make sure you gently embrace her woman love being held/embraced it gives them a since of closer is how woman express their love, and by you doing that she feel more loved, again these are all things i do and have done i'm not sayin there garanteed to work but they did for me but every ones differen't, so the same speech doesn't work for every woman. the speech i just gave you is purely made up i didn't edit it or corret it, i based it on what i know about her and pretend it was me and your situation and thats what came out. this is only to give you an idea of what to say i wouldn't recommend memorizing this if you truly love her i'm sure you'll come up with something as good if not better on your own, just follow your instincts, you know her better then i do all woman respond differently id be easier for you to win her over if you could read people the way i do, just make sure when your saying this that your close to her like less then a foot away if possible and looking into her eyes that way when you lean in for the kiss you'll already be within distance, also the way you embrace her well all depend on if your sitting down or standing up anyways if she doesn't like you back best thing to do is leave her, i gotta go but i'll be back to see how ur doing

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