In need of serious advice for my marraige...

This may be long, I have tried to summarize my 18 yrs of relationship & marraige in this question.

I have been married for the past 14 yrs, met my spouse 18 yrs ago. I have two kids 9 & 5. I found out about 5 yrs ago (just when I had my 2nd child)that my spouse had borrowed heavily from a lender, an amount, that would be practically impossible to pay back. We decided to sell the house. There were so many lies on serious financial issues and I was in shock most of the time as I found out about each lie one by one. For example, on the day of closing when I went to sign the papers, I was told by my realtor that we would be in foreclosure, if for any reason, the house did not sell today as the mortgage hasn't been paid for 6 months! To save us from a financial ruin, we sold the house and moved back to my home country for a yr or so.

I blamed myself completely after this series of incidents that forced us to sell our house and uproot the family. I told myself I must be such a fool who blindly believed everything her spouse told her without bothering to check up on the facts even once.

I still wanted to give US another chance. He wasn't sure he could live up to my expectations but he said he really wanted to try because he doesn't want to break the family. Well, with that in mind we spent a yr or so in my home country. It was a big change, I think it helped us not having to deal with financial issues all the time at least initially. But we still had loans to pay and we had to come back to the States to earn in $$ and pay those off. And that's what we did. Came back in late 2007.

Only after coming back did I realize how much the old wounds were still bothering me. What I means is I could sense somewhere that he was trying to change and be more transparent with money matters. He handed all financial responsibility over to me. I have visibility to all monetary transactions from our joint accounts. But I don't think I was helping him get over that 'Fear' that he said prevented him from confiding in me in the first place. Any small incident where I felt that he was hiding information from me, I would just get furious, shout and scream. I would bring up everything that happened in 2005. Ok this went on for a while and things were really bad between us in 2008 as we also decided to purchase a house in the midst of all this. Fights grew worse. And then it settled down a bit in late 2008.

That's when I conceived again, but I had a miscarraige in 2008 Nov. Problems erupted again, this time though the reaction was very different. We both became aloof. Whatever conversation we had was limited now to kids/pick up/pay bills etc. There was no intimacy for more than a yr. Slept in diff. rooms. I wanted to be out of this relationship, but at the same time didn't want to do this to the kids.

During this period, I also felt attracted to another person I had met during a trip to my home country. This guy, much younger showed a lot of interest and would pay me regular compliments. Somehow it made me feel wanted and it felt good to know that I am still attractive to the other sex. I would chat online with this guy often, it felt nice initially, the chat sessions were flirtateous, but never anything beyond that. At some point, after a few weeks, I started realizing the chat sessions were happening too often, the guy started demanding more and more of my time which I couldn't and didn't want to give.

That's when I realized what I am getting myself into and that I have to put an end to this. So after a few weeks, I stopped responding. The emails/calls continued. I just ignored. After a while, no more calls etc. Things also calmed down in the family. We went on a couple of family trips in 2009, but still never intimate.

I could feel the distance, didn't know what to do about it.
Accepted it as it is for the kid's sake and tried to move on.

Three days before 12/31/2009, we had a major argument. I had found out my spouse hadn't filed taxes for 2 yrs and has been lying about his trips to the CPA. Of course, I felt stupid that once again I had believed him completely when he had told me taxes have been filed and even gave me some imaginary #s and never bothered asking him for the tax forms. According to him, he procrastinated in providing all the necessary paperwork to CPA and kept filing for extensions each time and was scared to tell me. I was furious, depressed but didn't want to ruin the holiday for the kids.

And then we had the New Year Eve party at a friend's place on 31st. We were all drinking, chatting with friends, dancing. All of a sudden, I see my husband dancing very closely with another woman (married also, someone we don't know that well), hands all over her body. I ignored at first, didn't know what to make of it as I have never seen him do anything like that before. Next thing I know he is sitting on the terrace with her, in a very intimate fashion. They were acting as if its just cool and no big deal. Ok. I start getting upset but do not want to show it in front of others. I just asked him to get up which is when he says 'I am drunk, sorry I need to sleep it off'.

I am still pissed off. I see him walking away to another room which was dark & quiet. I am talking to the hostess and other friends for a while and then decide to go check on him and lo & behold, what do I see? The woman is more or less on top of my husband. She sees me, gets off of him, puts on an act 'Hey you should dance so you feel better' and walks away. When I ask my husband what's going on, he says he doesn't know, That he is drunk and he needs to sleep. All I told him was not to make a fool of himself and walked away. Shortly thereafter we went home, I drove of course, he gave me directions too as I wasn't sure.

OK, I have had several conversations with my husband after that. I am beginning to believe now that he truly was drunk and didn't have much recollection of that night expect in bits and pieces. When he asks me why I didn't stop him or the lady, I gave him an honest answer which is 'I didn't believe you were drunk when you told me you were and I wanted to see how far you would go with doing something like this in front of your wife'.

Also, looking back I was in denial about what I had really felt about that night. For 2-3 days after that, I didn't talk to him or anyone about it. Instead I recall being very busy, buying this & that, meeting with friends, making calls, running errands most of it unnecessary and non-urgent. And then on Sunday, my husband had to take the kids to a camp for most of the day. I found myself all alone at home. I can't begin to explain how all those feelings I had bottled up inside of me started pouring out. I was distraught, didn't know whom to talk to. I was crying all the time and trying to hide it from the family when they came back. Finally that night, I decided to write a letter to my spouse. I wrote him a letter and then for some odd reason decided to check his email which I usually never do. I see an email thread between this woman and my husband. He had written saying 'I apologize for what had happened, dont' know what came over me'. She repsonded saying she is equally to blame. Then he sends another email telling her he will contact her after her trip next week and her response to that is "PING ME '< phone #>".

That did it. In my mind I interpreted those emails as a sign of his unfaithfulness and his willingness to move forward in a relationship with that woman. I made up my mind to move out of his life altogether and planned on leaving the next day.

He read the letter in the morning. After dropping off the kids to school, he came back to talk to me. Didn't go to work that day. He talked and I talked with tears in my eyes most of the time. I must have cried non-stop for 2-3 days after that, it was like a tap turned on. We opened up like we hadn't in years. He kept telling me he loves me and he is shocked that this even happened and it makes him sick to think that he was part of all this. He remembers the dancing part somewhat, but not anything about what happened afterwards. He told me he sensed that he did something which was not right which is why he sent that woman an apology email. I questioned him at that point 'what about an apology to your wife? is that not important?'

He is telling me he really cares and that he is a religous person and loves his kids to death(which I know he does) and he cannot imagine doing anything like this if he was sober and in full senses. I still find that strange because even before my outburst he had written that email to this lady which meant he was aware of the fact that he did something he shouldn't have done with her??

I, on my part told him how I felt (well he could see in my tears how I felt). He told me he wants to work hard on being intimate and close and not let anything like this happen again.

I really want to believe, in fact I am convincing myself now that he was really drunk that night and the lady was taking advantage of him and he was too drunk to stop her. I have never seen him drunk, maybe that's why I couldn't believe it when he said he is. And if that's the truth, then I am partially blaming myself for not stopping that woman from trying to do whatever she was trying to do.

My question is - I was really affected seeing my husband with another woman the way I did. I am trying to do some soul searching here and trying to figure out why did I feel so much grief? I kept telling myself all thru the lies, fights & arguments during those yrs that I do not love him, we are living together mostly as a compromise for the kid's sake. Now I am not so sure. I really felt scared of losing him when I saw him with that woman that night. Does that mean I still love him and care for him enough for this marraige to survive? If that's the case, shouldn't I be honest and also let my spouse know about the chat sessions I had with another person a yr ago? I am scared that just when we are opening up to each other and starting to believe in each other, this may cause yet another setback and he will freeze up on me again. I don't know what's the right course to take. I am confused, I would like to get an outsider perspective of what's happening here and how best to handle it.

Thanks,
Confused and Sad

Sheela, I just read your email and my heart goes out to you. I could just feel that same pain when you described your husband and the other woman on the dance floor...ugh. I haven't been married that long, so my experience is limited, but I've been cheated on before (former boyfriend)..it seems to me your husband, though while may not have cheated physically...was provoking an emotional affair and by emailing the woman, isn't really backing away from it... you said you weren't intimate for some time..Honey, I have to be blunt about this part...any man, if not getting it at home..will follow any woman like a puppy who shows him the least bit attention...drunk or not! You and him need to talk to a therapist first and foremost, then get some much needed financial counseling..to make sure there are no other surprises..it will be a journey, and I guarantee some more bumps in the road..but if you both want to make it work, and love each other, then your family deserves nothing less . You do have to work through your distrust of him and really forgive him, then the intimacy will follow. hope this helps...now, if you could read my post email I just wrote...I would love some advice on myissue!! Thanks and God bless!

jen i have to admit that was some good advice i just read yours as well but i feel that once again you put men down, which doesn't really matter to me since i'm not the type to care, but sheela it goes both way and tell me if i'm wrong but you would feel the same way he does i'm sure unless you have incredible self control when it comes to not having sex because sex plays a really big part in a marriage and since you to have had sex in like a milliniem it affects your marriage, i mean i'm no expert thats just my opinion and i've never been married since i'm only 19 i'm telling you how old i am so that you take that into consideration with the advice i'm giving you, anyways in my opinion you both have a lot of issues to work threw and fast because bottling it in only makes it worse, see people tell me all the time i have some serious issues and i tell them i know i do, and so do you only difference between me and you is that i can admit it but you can't, and that i never been told that by the person i'm going out with. sheela you need to learn to express you anger in a control manar of cors so that it doesn't build up inside you because is bad for your relationship and your health, so my advice to you is talk to your husband and tell him everything i mean sure he'll be mad and jealous that you were flirting with some guy, but you need to tell him regardless of the fact, love is like a battlefield and the only way to win is by "you willing go out into that battle field armer less and barehanded" which is my way of saying that you have to leave your self vulnerable and be willing to get hurt in order to make it work and let your heart lead you threw it, so that the other person will see you care about them, and don't hold the past against him like you mentioned ealier that only makes things worse and it probably makes him feel like a failure or a screw up which makes him feel bad and affect your relationship, i know this work because thats how i saved my relationship with my girl friend. so talk to him him and tell him your willing to change to make it work as long as he is, and i don't know if you'll be able to do it but look into his eye and see if his lying to you, when you talk to him you can usually tell a person feels bad about something or its hiding something if they can't look at you while saying something or if they keep tightening the jaw muscle or feel trapped and you can tell a person feels trapped because they'll start to move a lot and look around, is there way of trying to escape. anyways i can't give you real advice unless we were talking this is the best i can do from what you wrote at the moment, so sit down with and tell him that you need to have a heart to heart talk with him and that if his hiding something now is the time to tell you that you won't hold it agaisnt him and just confess to each other everything you done, and tell each other how you feel, cry, laugh, grief together, just do something befoe your kids end up being seperated from their parents because on the road you guys are on the road is starting to run out on you, and once you run out of road its over, so the best thing you can do is turn around and take another road. good luck

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